the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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