i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
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