note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
