I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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