and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
