if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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