Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
