If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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