Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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