Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
