I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
