It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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