if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
