she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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