I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
