I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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