The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
