she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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