I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
