Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
