i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
