I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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