Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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