And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize