He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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