sarcasm needs its own font
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
