He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
God I need to hump something, right now.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
