Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
