I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
