I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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