She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
