Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends