My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me