Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
