I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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