I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
