yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Randomize
