I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
