Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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