Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
