I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
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