I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
