Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
