if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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