ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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