Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
