I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
