she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
