You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
either way he was missing a nipple.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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