im six kinds of drunk right now
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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