I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I touched a dick in church today
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
