Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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