dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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